Don't judge. There is such a thing as a logical, proper rebound.

Did you know that I apparently have a masculine mentality of a thirty two year old woman?

First things off: I'm not going to pretend I am a completely innocent woman; and my admittance of that and the following (as well as my super-classy presentation, might I say) sets me apart from the majority of peers/members of both sexes. Perhaps it is my unwavering, unfailing faith in that cliched phrase, "The facts speak for themselves"; or it could be attributed to my acknowledgment, not denial, of said-facts. Whatever the case, understand that I attempt to be as logical and as reasonable as possible; in 75% of situations, I believe that personal emotions can actually hamper sympathy and detract form the truth.

Not this kind.

Back to the title: Contrary to popular belief, rebounds are not entirely useless; in fact, they are more helpful than people give them credit for. They are often misunderstood, misused devices, mostly when it is not realized or acknowledged as such. A rebound can be used to one's advantage; but it needs to be recognized and not denied for its full effect to work.

Yes, I had one recently (not a "full" one by some standards), and it was needed. I will try to explain as much as I can so some people do not get the wrong impression of me (i.e. judge me as something I am not because they do not truly know me or the circumstances which surround said-rebound). I am aware that people will always judge; it is a natural instinct I cannot prevent. However, what I can do is explain myself as honestly as possible so that, for the right people, the quality of human understanding (that I believe so strongly in) can take precedence over the urge to jump to conclusions (something I also like to call "stirring the pot).

If you have been following this blog (I know, it's hard when I update so little), you would know that 2011 and I aren't BFF. Forever clouding over the more important subjects I should be worrying about is the victimization of my personal life, better known as four years of romantic hell that suddenly decides to rampage my life when I think I'm in the clear. When my semester ended, I boarded a plane for Rome and proceeded to have the best month of my life.

My ultimate goal on the trip was to enjoy life and other people, on my own, as I have for so long- however, I had forgotten how. Prior to this, I had been forced to experience how someone can bring my entire morale down and my subsequent attitude towards life and others was incredibly negative. Any sort of learning and experience I prided myself on was suddenly shattered.

We, as people, base our lives on our connections to one another, always desire for feel needed and wanted, the constant pressure of companionship (not necessarily romantic). I feel that over the past few years and in my maturity into a woman, I have become reasonably (an much more swiftly than others) independent, confident, patient, motivated, ambitious, and straightforward in my emotions and relationships. In finding myself in the unfamiliar state of vulnerability, I admit, I welcomed that feeling of being needed and wanted. Enter rebound.

I knew what it was. I took it for what it was. I was not looking to completely fill a void, because (despite what Cosmo tells you) people never really heal. I did not search for something more. I did not look to replace, but rather substitute.

Is it what I needed? Yes. However, by no means did I want to keep it: the rebound-relationship did its job though it was nothing terribly special and there was nothing about it that I would feel compelled to explore further. Though it may not have been spectacularly, intellectually ideal or interesting, the superficial and purely physical (ahem, not that physical, you pervs) and ridiculously frivolous distracted me for a good amount of days which was what I was looking for.

I understand it is this exact admittance of meaninglessness and lacking purpose is what people may find confusing and wrong; but it would be worse of me to claim that I was searching for something long-lasting and that I had found it, when I definitely had not. List of given circumstances: my wrecked state of mind, a quite uncomfortable age gap (of mostly mental integrity and maturity), and the most unreasonable of distances. It would be blasphemy if suddenly, I were willing to look over these things; I never have and I never will make exceptions: if the signs in the jungle point to a tiger, I'd rather take the time to find the ones that point to a village. To hope for perfect companionship would have been entirely unreasonable and unfair. Truthfully, I am grateful for the many imperfections this particular person had because it was much easier to let go than had I become attached.

For short bursts, I forgot about the previous relationships; and when I now look upon it, it does hurt less. Why? Through my adventures and meetings of new people, I was reminded of my belief of the human race's nonstop search for companionship with each other, paired with my firm disbelief in soul mates. My happiness, my misery, does not depend on just one entity. My feminine mentality and my independence was finally returned to me and I am happy for it. I was able to regain my womanly integrity and strength that I have worked to hard to build. My motivation to find what I want in and from people has returned.

In admitting my reasons, actions, and after-effects of a rebound, what does that make me? It is so hard to judge a good explanation, though it seems to happen often.

For the person who did judge me as "like that," (which I'm sure most of us know the connotations): you clearly do not know me. What did you think I was like then? You do not know my philosophies and theories, my firm hand on my own morals and values and why I have them. You cannot ignorantly judge those who you do not even try to know; this is a treason against logic and what makes us human. I have tried as often as possible to get to know people without judging them; but this is difficult when it is not reciprocated, especially by the rudest and most obscene of people. Nevertheless, I find myself sometimes defending those who have most wrongly offended me; perhaps I put too much faith in the simplest of people, which only further demonstrates patience and willingness to learn over stupidity. It is situations like these that show people's true colors. Those who unfairly judge will never be considered our true friends simply because they do not attempt to understand a person's core at it's most honest and vulnerable state; but this only does an injustice to themselves as they are detached from the compassionate essence of humanity.

Space Filler

A brief summery of my trip aka THE BEST MONTH OF MY LIFE. Yes, this is a space filler until I have something more interesting to put.

No kidding, I have a Tumblr?

Wow. I forgot I already set one of these up. I've taken a huge break from blogging, but am trying to come back. Mostly, I've been over at here (sparingly, as you can see) because they let me just write and write without getting caught up in too much else. Plus, they have easy set ups and layout changes. But I'll give Tumblr a decent, fair whirl around this time as well.

What have I been up to? Touring across the pond. Working. Attempting to watch all seasons of The Ultimate Fighter, including the past two (that's a total of thirteen). Rejoicing over the comeback of the NFL. (With those last two points, still not a lesbian. Sorry. Here's some girly stuff:) Telling myself not to go shopping. Being really excited for my cousin's wedding and the heels I have for it. Trying to mentally prepare myself for the shit-ton of work that's coming up in the fall. My master's degree is ever looming before me. We'll see how that goes.

On top of all that, I FEEL WICKED OLD. I'll end this with two quotes from the ever-wise Bilbo Baggins, that I may or may not elaborate on in the near future.

"I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday."

"Age, it seems, has finally caught up with me."

Mid-life crisis already? Bring it on, biznatches.

So I'm Back in the U.S........

Believe it or not, I did write something while I was in London; it needs to be seriously edited and confronts the topic of the rebound. Not just any kind of rebound, but a well explained one. Merlin! There is such a thing!



Had a fantastic time in Europe though. Pictures are starting to be thrown up on my Facebook, though you need to be my "friend" to see them. It wasn't just the sights for me, but a mode of rebuilding and rediscovering myself.

You see (I could rival J.K. Rowling with these frequent revisits of what my past few months have been like) after a not-so-good first half of 2011, I lost a lot of myself; and I'm really angry about that. I think I really matured in 2010, really grew from everything I was taught and experienced; but the roughness of 2011 caused me to lose much of my mindset and perhaps a bit of my sanity. I lost focus of my views on people. Needless to say, when I got to Europe, I switched my brain off; and started afresh with the people I was traveling with.


Different kinds of people. People I like. People I don't. I'd like to like them all, but that's impossible unless 1> you don't have a brain or 2> you worry about being well-liked yourself. (I'm fairly easy to please, to get along with, unless 1> you're overtly dumb, past the point of no return 2> you're really rude, meaning you're still rude after people tell you you're being rude and you don't watch what you say 3> you're narrow minded 4> you're fake or completely unfaithful to your own theories, beliefs, philosophies. Thankfully, there are only a few people like that in my life; thankfully, they are not completely immersed in it. I can take it in small doses.) I'm pretty satisfied with my 50/50 theory that I learned during RA training: not everyone will love you. That's fine for me and it applies in the matter of me to you as well. If you like me and I like you, we'll have a good time. If not, we don't have to put up with each other- we can find other people that we do like. Simplicity.


People drive my life, as I am constantly surrounded by them and will work with them. I take from them my own strengths and awareness of my weaknesses. This was largely emphasized on the trip with the people I could simply not escape from. Being surrounded by them on a 24/7 basis for nearly a month- yes, you only really get to know people when you travel or live with them. I made a lot of life-long friends that I had amazing adventures with. I met some people I didn't like, and it showed me what I didn't want to be and the types I don't want to surround myself with- be with. I get more in depth with my London post, so I'll leave it at this for now.

This is for shits and giggles. They sort of look alike.

What's in the near future? Harry Potter 7 Part 2 (uhhh, 8/8? 7.0?) comes out next week; I think I've pinpointed what my mentality towards the series as a whole is, as well as the franchise; so perhaps I'll do a post on that ("Harry, Don't Surf"). Also, I'll get into why I really like the third book and the third movie. (Blasphemy, apparently.) LOTR vs Potter? Undoubtedly the conflict of where my loyalties are, and I'll go into that in another post.

Au revoir for now and don't drink the water.

Memorial-Day-Weekend-Appropriate

The past month or so has been four to five weeks of hell, with research papers, finals, you know. Additionally, there's a boatload of personal and emotional crap that decided to dock all at once at the worst academic time ever. (Maybe I will go into more detail with this later on...)

The good news is I'm about to embark on a huge trip to Europe- the biggest excursion I've ever taken. It'll be for about the entire month of June- Rome, Verona, Venice, Munich and Mathausen, Vienna, Prague, Berlin, Amsterdam, London, and then finally Paris (ah, Edith!). I'll try to update as often as possible- but don't count on it. This time, I'll actually have an excuse for being away from this blog.

(From the process of packing up at school, unpacking at home, and packing again for Europe- I have way too much clothing. I've donated a lot and that makes me feel good. Some girl is getting a kick ass pair of shoes somewhere.)

This really couldn't have come at a better time for a big trip- 2011 hasn't been completely horrid to me (maybe I'm just too positive), but it has been quite an emotional rocket so far. And me? Feel? What? Anything that can make me cry is either really good or really bad, and I don't think any of this falls into the good category: A heartbreak that was a long time coming, a friend going off to Afghanistan, multiple deaths of people through people (it's getting closer to me, which I'm not a fan of), a Holocaust class (enlightening, but depressing- I look at war and life and death and other things so differently now)... and it didn't come here and there sporadically, it came in droves and lasted for weeks until recently. Needless to say, I'm excited to get out of the States for a while, get away from all of this, and do what I do best: learn.

(I'm a history nerd. Woodrow Wilson was the man. I like to ignore the allegations that he was a racist and that he supported "The Birth of a Nation.")

WWII is a ridiculously important and heavy part of history. It's humanity at its worst and finest. I can't explain my appreciation or attraction for it, but I can say that I am doubly excited to visit its landmarks and whatnot when I go across the pond. It's really hard to describe how I was enlightened by the Holocaust class- but I most certainly was. It takes a specific kind of education and training to look at the Holocaust as both a tragic and beautiful time (the two often go hand in hand), to gain that appreciation for humanity and its skill and I'm lucky to have had that. I don't think I had sufficient training in high school; but I have now. I don't think people understand how much the world changed, how much humans changed, how much was taken away, (but at the same time) how much was given.

As for my class, we were also lucky enough to get a personal tour of the Holocaust museum from a survivor a few weeks ago. Zing! Talk about mind-blowing. One of the most amazing days of my life, though sad. I feel incredibly blessed to be legitimately connected to such an intricate part of history. It was a hard, hard class to get through- but absolutely necessary for the preservation of life and character. I would encourage a serious study of the Holocaust for any prepared adult. I'm not talking about textbooks, but videos and personal accounts; I'm talking about Primo Levi and Charlotte Delbo, the poetic prose of Art Spiegelman, Abraham Lewin, and Josef Zelkowicz. It is enough to make anyone truly realize the limits of the body and the strength of mind.

After receiving a special letter in the mail, I just thought and thought about the subject of war and its history (also propelled by my Holocaust class and the overwhelming presence of Navy, Marine, Army, whatever personnel in the city this week- Fleet Week 2011, patriotism sings and ladies' underwear fall off). I never thought I would be anywhere near it, but it's in my face now. It's amazing to think of what is going on at the other side of the world. Here, all I see are Facebook posts about what someone will have for breakfast or complaining about classes or generic work place- meanwhile there are people maturing in ways I can only imagine. There are thousands of people I don't know overseas, who are serving a purpose and making a difference for the benefit of people they don't know.

Yeah, I said it. Your work place is only so big and only affects X amount of people. Shame on you.

This isn't a pro-war statement by any means, just a declaration of recognition- yes, I know what's going on and I appreciate the service. You don't have to be pro-war to join armed services, you don't have to be pro-war to support them. But they should be appreciated. What they are doing is making a difference. I can't say so much for the marketing guy or the airbrush specialist.

As for war itself? I don't support it, but I will say that though war is ugly, it is inevitable. People can protest all they want; it's still going to happen. I'm going to get all English MA on you: it was Walter Benjamin that said "Without conflict, there can be no history" or something along those lines. (Whatever, the message is the same. Semester is over, I'm allowed.) Absolutely true. History does not exist without the subject of conflict. And those good times in history? Came out of conflict. Enlightenment in the 18th century would not have happened if France and England hadn't been duking it out. Famine, plague, and- you guessed it- war led to the Renaissance. And World War II and McCarthyism brought us out of the Depression, into what? Booming industries, the framework for feminism, utopias in the 50s, hippies in the 60s, and the civil rights movements. Gnarly. Like it or not, war does benefit; and I hate the idea of it, but it happens.

Every coin has two sides- the Holocaust taught me that and gave me its true meaning. I've always leaned towards the idea of balance, as so much of the world is based on it (though people rarely realize) and it was only recently that I firmly glued myself in that philosophy. Without getting all chatty on you (I think this is long enough really), I'll stay simple: we cannot recognize beauty without the tragedy, the ugly; the same goes for good and evil, life and death, black and white, Harry Potter and Voldemort, Jedi and the Sith. One must exist for the other to. We must not reject the negative, but if we are to desire the positive, we must accept it; it does not mean we must support it. Desire means movement and change. Change means conflict of all sizes. Conflict means history. It is a universal, never-ending cycle. We can only learn from it.

 I'm going to try and update often on my trip... Here's some things for the summer I'll be working on too:
Harry (Potter), Don't Surf
How "Black Hawk Down" Got Screwed Over In Every Way Possible
Why "Hunchback of Notre Dame" Should Be A Broadway Musical
Why "The Ultimate Fighter: Season 13" Sucked Hard
I Love "The Lord of the Rings"
... and more.

"Up" is Perfect. Why?

This may seem like a late review, but really, I just had an epiphany of the genius of what is "Up."
(Get it?)

Let's get this straight: I love soundtracks. Hans Zimmer, Alan Menken, Howard Shore, the list goes on. I'm a fan of epics- blaring trombones and trumpets with a march beat, with an impending "war" feeling. I'm also a fan of originality with trademarks, so no James Horner here (minus Titanic, but minus Celine Dion). I was under the impression that nothing could ever top Howard Shore's epic Lord of the Rings trilogy, with all its different memorable themes, epic choirs, and Ben Del Maestro sequences (Rohan, fuck yeah!). (To be honest, I don't know how many times I have listened to all three-plus hours straight through because my history with it goes all the way back to carrying a Disc-Man with me in high school.)

Then this little bugger of an animated film called Up  debuted in the summer of 2009, with Michael Giacchino of Pixar and "Lost" fame heading the orchestra, and turned my world upside down. Or maybe just took it into the sky with a bunch of balloons:

Naturally intrigued by the Pixar label (when do they not put out something good?), I immediately established that I needed to see this. How could you top Wall-E? And Eeeeeeeeva?

My first- and still standing- impression of Up: it is by far one of the most achingly, painfully beautiful films ever made. It did take me a while, however, to figure out why this film was so deeply resonating and emotional. Of course, the visuals are magnificent (Pixar is so reliable in that way): the bright and bold colors are used in this film like no other, not even Monsters, Inc. The details on the characters are ridiculously breathtaking and comical. However, neither of these typical Pixar stamps are the greatest part of Up. The visuals do not give way to the meanings of emotions behind the story; while they are striking, they do not represent what the story is supposed to make you feel. They amaze your rather than make you feel. The contrast between life and death; the difficulty of moving on after a loved one, life partner has passed away; the seamless, fluid movement between tragedy and comedy- it is all reflected in the music by Michael Giacchino. The definitive element of Up lies within a single tune- Ellie's theme.

Like Shore does in LOTR, Giacchino looks for different themes and motifs for each of the characters; however, what sets him apart from Shore is his ingenious ability to shape and mold those motifs according to the situation they are in; in this particular case, he tinkled around on a piano for a single chord that might be able to express the contrasting emotions of happiness and sadness and the state of beauty of both. Genius. One chord? Are you serious? Ellie's theme, arguably the most used melody, is by far one of the most versatile, meaningful, and memorable themes written in the past ten years; when I say "achingly, painfully beautiful," I am referring directly to this piece of music. There simply is no other way to describe it. In the sequence "Married Life" and its four short minutes, Giacchino and Pixar tell the story of two lives together through the song without any dialogue- an amazing feat, considering the magnitude and depth of its content. The music is not just a background factor: it perfectly mirrors the roller coaster of admiration that Carl and Ellie take together:

Watch that without crying, I dare you. I'm a sap, not an oak.

The composition of the tune is incredible within itself- it's really just a few chords. It is so simple, so quiet, and at the same time so effective and flexible. It is astounding to think about all the different ways Giacchino was able to pull this simplistic melody and its final effect on the viewers. The amazing thing about Ellie's theme is how I don't need to think of the film to feel the emotions. The initial tune on the piano has a naturally playful, innocent, endearing feel to it. Giacchino takes this away simply by slowing it down and highlighting the piano- sadness. The pain of moving on from a loved one's death- adding a small orchestra to play the counter melody. The growth of courage- a full orchestra, playing it in a waltz form. A highlight of what is beautiful in one's life- a full orchestra, slowed down, legato. Speeding it up with trumpets and a full drum beat, staccato- adventure. It just grows and grows throughout the film. While doing all of this in all its forms, it always keeps its hopeful and youthful imagination; more importantly, it keeps both sad and happy emotions at all times, no matter what the scenario is. There is something so simple and honest about it. It becomes the most important form of narrative of the film.

Primarily, it is used to reflect Carl's growth as he comes to terms with Ellie's death from the beginning to the end of the film- from playful and merry to slow and somber to finally acceptance and understanding, with a bit of a skip to it. While it plays in all its various forms, the audience is forever reminded of her impact and importance in Carl's life; the memory of their relationship is haunting and always present.  She is with him when he goes on his adventure, she is with him when he is sitting by himself, she is with him as he finds a new friendship, when he builds courage, finds his strength and motivation, discovers an abnormally tall and colorful bird, as he fights off the villains- and the tune evolves with each new scenario. The fact that it is played for seven minutes over the end credits in all the formats (also over pictures of Carl's life after Ellie) tells us the she is the unseen driving force behind the entire film and this is told wordlessly through the music. 

In one, simple tune. Amazing.

 I keep repeating the word "simple," and I hate repeating words so often but there really is no other word to describe what makes this score so resonating. Its life is in its simplicity. It is effortlessly beautiful, painstakingly reflective, and heart-breakingly hopeful, all in one. It doesn't need sappy lyrics or blasting trumpets to get the point across. Giacchino presents all the themes and characters of the film to us in, really, what's maybe fifteen or twenty seconds of music. There is no other soundtrack that evokes such strong emotions as Up. I'm not sure if he will ever to be able to top his accomplishment of Up; this might just be the definitive piece of his career. He should be proud of it. It truly is magnificent.

(I wrote this before watching the next video, soooooo I'm surprised that some of I said is in there. Watch for more genius.)

Sit Patiently, Please.

Finals. Crunch time. You know the deal. Won't be around for about two weeks. I'll be drowning in paperwork. Hooray. Will update ASAP. For reals.